Postpartum Depression & The Glint of Judgment

Only a woman who has been through postpartum depression can truly, deeply understand.   It's that way with most things, isn't it?  I can certainly empathize and try to imagine what it is like to have cancer, but I haven't gone through it and cannot put myself squarely in that place.  That's why we postpartum mood disorder survivors need each other so, and why so many of us dedicate a portion of our lives to helping other women who will as surely as death and taxes experience the same thing.

No offense to the doctors and the husbands and the friends who really care and try to support us, but no one else gets it like a woman who has gone through it.  And to tell the truth, we can see deep down the faint glint in so many eyes that says "Is this what's really going on?"  Yep.  We see it.  We may be mentally ill but we're not stupid.  As much as you try to hide it we can see what you're thinking -- even if you yourself want to believe us and try to tamp down your thoughts.  You're thinking:

• Is she just weak and over-emotional?
• Is she just selfish?  Does she just regret losing her wild and carefree life to the sleepless nights and diaper changes and constant responsibilities of caring for a child?
• Is she just exaggerating to get attention?  Can it really be that bad?
• Is it even possible for someone to have thoughts beyond their control?  What kind of mother thinks of drowning or suffocating her child?  I mean, I've had stress, but I've certainly never thought of anything like that.
• She could just get over it if she really wanted to.
• What kind of person is she, really?

We're suffering from an illness that cannot be seen.  We don't have a fever, swelling, vomiting or diarrhea.  No rash, cramping or stiffness.  No open wounds that will not heal -- at least not the kind you can see with the naked eye.   So many wonder if we're really sick at all.   

And guess what?  So do we.  We wonder whether we're really just defective people who are unworthy of being mothers.  We understand the glint of judgment precisely because we've had it ourselves.  Before we got sick, we looked at others and thought "I would never think that", "I would never do that", and "I would never be like that".  Until we did and until we were, and now we don't have that glint anymore. 

We can see what you're thinking, and we understand.  But it still hurts.  A lot.