Guest Author: Stefanie's Story

My name is Stefanie. I am a mother of three children.  My first experience with PPD came after a rough first pregnancy and was managed with medication. The bout after my second child changed my life forever, and for the better.

We tried for a year to get pregnant again. Just as we decided that the timing wasn’t right, we found out we were pregnant.  The pregnancy started out rough. I had spotting the first three weeks and had to have my first of many ultrasounds.  Everything checked out and we proceeded.  Twenty-two weeks in, I am having major unexplained pains. In for another ultrasound, again we check out okay.  Week 28 I get the call no one ever wants, especially at age 23 -- my mother has passed. What made it worse was the fact that I hadn’t seen her in two years or spoken to her in one.  She didn’t even know of this little miracle I was carrying. I push through all of this. Over the next 10 weeks, I have 3 more ultrasounds. At 38 weeks we induce due to blood pressure.

Twenty-three hours of labor and I now have a beautiful little girl. We prepare to go home. Our little girl has jaundice. This adds to the stress of being a new mom again. ER visit, blood tests, doctor’s visits, more blood tests and the bili blanket for a week. By day 3 of being at home I am in my doctors office crying.  She asks if I have hit rock bottom.  I say no but I know it is close. I hit what I thought was rock bottom that night. I send my three-year-old to one set of grandparents and my 4-day-old daughter to the other set. I cry myself to sleep.  I start Lexapro immediately. I try to keep going. But as the weeks go by I feel like I am slipping deeper. I find wonderful support at an online PPD support forum.  At 6 weeks I call my doctor about a med increase. She suggests counseling first. I call the next day to make an appointment.

I start counseling and then the following week I return to work. Work just added more to my sinking mood. Two weeks later I begin cutting myself. I cry most days. I hide in a back office doing busy work. I keep going to counseling, but decide again to call about a medicine increase. This time we do the increase. The following couple of weeks just keep going downhill. I am having horrible intrusive thoughts. The crying spells are getting worse.  The cutting is getting worse. I finally hit a brick wall and confess to my counselor that I have been having thoughts of harming myself or my children. I am scared to death of what I might do.  We decide together that because of how I was feeling and my plans, the hospital was the best route for me. I arranged to go the next day.

I never imagined that I would end up in a psych hospital. It was the turning point in my recovery. For the first time in a long time, I was able to just focus on me.  I went to every counseling session while there.  Going to all the sessions was so helpful. I looked at everything that I had stuffed deep inside. I worked through so many issues surrounding my mother and I. By the end of 5 days I was able to go home.  With new medication and much needed sleep, I was a new woman. Not back to myself, but better able to handle what life threw at me.

I learned a lot from PPD. I was able to finally let go of some the major road blocks in my life. I continued counseling for another 4 months. I learned how to handle stress and life much better. Six months postpartum we unexpectedly we found out we were pregnant again, and I was better prepared this time around.  Two years later I am proud to say that I am living a very happy life and have taken the step to go back to school. I hope one day to be counseling women dealing with PPD.