Postpartum Progress

Two Great New Books for Clinicians on Treating Postpartum Depression & Related Disorders

Two great new books are being published for healthcare practitioners (and others!) by two amazing women in the field of postpartum mood disorders, Susan Dowd Stone and Karen Kleiman. 

The first, called "Perinatal and Postpartum Mood Disorders: Perspectives and Treatment Guide for the Health Care Practitioner", was edited by Susan Dowd Stone and Alexis E. Menken and is being published this week.  It provides a wide foundation on these illnesses, and is intended for consumers and students/professionals in the following disciplines: psychiatry, social work, medicine, psychology, nursing, law, advocacy, social support, literacy (reaching consumers), pediatricians, obstetricians, administrators in health care facilities who are considering the issue and adding programs, legislators and health care policy advisors.  Contributors to the book, published by Springer, include Jane Honikman, Dr. Catherine Birndorf, Dr. Margaret Spinelli, Dr. Shaila Misri, Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, George Parnham, Cheryl Beck and many others. This is a ground-breaking text on the issue in terms of its breadth and depth ... there is none other that provides such a comprehensive overview of the entire issue in a multidisciplinary format.

"The point of the book is that without educating our healthcare teams, we can raise awareness all we want but those who need to identify and help these women will still not be up to par," said Stone.  "Hopefully readers in various disciplines will be moved to more fully explore the issue after reading these 'perspectives' chapters."

The second, called "Therapy and the Postpartum Woman: Notes on Healing Postpartum Depression for Clinicians and the Women Who Seek Their Help", is written by Karen Kleiman.  It is currently available for pre-ordering here and will be published in September.

The book, published by Routledge, provides a comprehensive look at effective therapy for postpartum depression.  Using a blend of professional objectivity, evidence-based research and personal, straightforward suggestions gathered from years of experience, Kleiman's book brings the reader into the private world of therapy with the postpartum woman.   Based on Psychodynamic and Cognitive-Behavioral theories, D.W. Winnicott's "good enough mother" and the holding environment, in particular, it was written by a therapist who has specialized in the treatment of postpartum depression for more than 20 years.

I haven't had a chance to read Susan's book yet (I'm sure it's amazing), but I have seen Karen's and I found it completely fascinating even though I'm not a clinician.  It was so interesting to see that my reactions are not unlike so many other women who go through these illnesses, and to learn how to get around all of my blocks and objections to being diagnosed and treated. 

Part 2 of Becoming Me's PPD Journey

If you read the story last week in Postpartum Progress about the blogger from Becoming Me and her experience with a postpartum mood disorder, you'll want to read part 2.  She writes very beautifully about what it felt like and I know many of you will connect to her journey.

"From The Hips" Pregnancy Guide Offers Deeper Look at PPD

There is a great new pregnancy guidebook out called "From the Hips: A Comprehensive, Open-Minded, Uncensored, Totally Honest Guide to Pregnancy, Birth & Becoming A Parent," written by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris.  I think this book rocks and will eventually outsell many of the other books that just cause fear and confusion and frustration for women who are about to become mothers.  (Was anybody else freaked out after reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting," or was it just me?)

My favorite feature? The chapter called "The Postbaby Brain" on pages 188-205.  The authors take an unvarnished look at the feelings moms have about parenthood, both good and bad.  And they actually talk about postpartum mood disorders for 5 pages (!), rather than the usual paragraph or two, even offering a list of symptoms for postpartum depression, postpartum OCD, postpartum panic disorder and postpartum psychosis.  It's nice to see a general interest pregnancy book go into more detail about the variety of symptoms one can experience and recognize that PPD is not a one-size-fits-all illness.  I would have liked them to offer a little more information on how to seek help, but they do provide a list of resources on page 194 that includes Postpartum Support International and Postpartum Progress (wahoo!), among other good sites and books.

Odes and Morris offer ten "anti-rules" for parents-in-progress, which you can learn more about by picking up their book:

1. Everyone's an expert, but you're the authority on yourself and your baby.
2. Confidence is more important than instinct.
3. Strive for imperfection.
4. Parenting is out of control.
5. There's no such thing as a "natural" mother.
6. Shift happens.
7. Babies are people, not problems.
8. Frustration, resentment, anger, exhaustion, exasperation, aggravation, jealousy, nostalgia, regret, etc., don't make you a bad parent.
9. Look forward, not backward. 
10. There is no right way.

PSI Annual Conference To Be Held in Houston June 4-7

Save the Date!  This year's Postpartum Support International conference will be held in Houston, June 4-7 at the Hilton Americas-Houston.  The event is co-sponsored by the Women's Mental Health Initiative of the Mental Health Association of Greater Houston.  Some of the main speakers include Dr. Margaret Spinelli, Dr. Lucy Puryear, Valerie Plame Wilson and George Parnham.  Registation will begin in March.  I'll be there, and I hope to see you there as well!  For more information, visit www.postpartum.net.

Guest Author: Sarah Pond of mama2mama

Sarah Pond, co-founder of mama2mama in Canada, was kind enough to share with us her story of postpartum depression.  This is a beautifully written story, and a very comprehensive one in which she lists all of her various symptoms.  I don't normally post something this lengthy on Postpartum Progress because I like everything to be easily digestible, but this is worth it.

"The third day after my daughter's birth, a vortex of dark, deafening, and terminally sinister energy swallowed me whole. It sounds dramatic and it was. It overcame me in the car on the way home from the hospital. My baby slept soundly in her carseat, blissfully unaware that her primary caregiver was beginning a freefall into a churning turmoil. I remember commenting to my husband that I was suddenly not feeling too well. An understatement, to be sure.

Every moment after that, I struggled in the teeth of a malevolent beast, while desperately attempting to keep up the appearance of a happy, serene mommy. It felt like a struggle of life and death proportions. I suppose it was.

At the 5 month mark, when sleep deprivation was becoming debilitating, I made an appointment with my (former) family doctor. She gave me the following advice: Get some rest, eat more fatty foods and don't spoil the baby. She neither mentioned PPD nor asked me any relevant questions, nor suggested any resources. The appointment lasted all of six minutes. I timed it.

I kept on going, not following the doctor's advice. At last, on a Saturday afternoon, when my daughter was 7 months old, I crashed hard and ended up at the medical clinic trembling, pale and unable to form a cohesive thought. I hadn't slept at all for three days and nights. I hadn't had more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep for half a year. My husband took our baby to his mother's, drove me to the clinic and insisted that we see somebody NOW. A short time later, I was sitting in front of a very kind, compassionate and helpful doctor, asking him for immediate help. Looking back, I know that I was very close to being hospitalized. Instead, the doctor, bless him, sent me home with three prescriptions: one for an antidepressant, another for a sleep aid, and a final one to do whatever it takes to get some decent sleep.

That night, with a lot of support from my husband and some pumping of milk, I slept for five hours straight. The next night it was six. After an entire week of sleeping "through the night", I was on the road to healing. By the time my baby was 10 months old, I was a new woman.

Recovery has been a path of ups and downs, of good days and bad. But no days have ever come close to the darkest days of all, when my perceptions were distorted by anxiety, fear and sleeplessness. When the primary emotion I felt toward my beautiful child was pity, for having such an inadequate mother. When I felt the hot breath of those notorious black dogs of despair on my throat, heard their hungry snarling, and knew that I was their weakening prey.  These days, pretty much every day is good. Great, even.

I have found a new balance. All the balls I juggle as a mother, a wife, an employee, friend, family member and upstanding citizen are staying miraculously aloft (WooHoo!). I practice self-care and I make it a priority. Most of all I enjoy mothering my little girl as I have never enjoyed anything else. I look at her now and I know that she has a good mother – one who loves her and nurtures her as best she can.

During the worst of it, I tried natural therapies, such as herbal remedies and homeopathy. While these took the edge off the most severe symptoms, it was the antidepressants that ended up saving me. The journey through PPD is unique for each of us and so are the ways we heal. I don't advocate any particular method of finding balance; I simply share my own passage. Until this experience, I was resistant to pharmaceuticals such as antidepressants. Now, I feel fortunate that such drugs are available and that they worked so effectively for me.

The best and most important therapy for me, was reaching out for help. Finding the guts to talk to other mothers about what I was going through opened the doors that lead me to health. It was other mamas who inspired and guided my way.

Now my wish is to do the same.

Some of the symptoms of my postpartum experience were:

Physical

       • Insomnia

       • Jittery, shaky

       • No appetite

       • Weight loss

       • Low milk supply

       • Adrenalin surging constantly

       • "Fight or flight" mode all the time

Mental

       • Inability to turn off my mommy-brain, which was running at 1000 RPM. Like an engine revving way too high in the lowest gear

       • Loud clamoring noise in my head at all times, especially at night when everyone else was asleep

       • Uncontrollable intrusive thoughts of harm coming to my baby (from earthquakes, wild animals, disease, car accidents, intruders, electrocution, drowning, choking, SIDS, etc, etc, etc)

       • Difficulty concentrating or focusing

       • mental fogginess, sluggishness

       • Nightmares

Emotional

       • Anxiety about everything to do with my baby

       • Terrible, awful apprehension when the baby cried

       • Extreme discomfort when I was separated from my baby

       • Feeling certain that I was a terrible mother

       • Fear of harm coming to my baby

       • Fear of dying and my baby being left motherless

       • Exhausting mood swings between the elation and joy of loving my child and despair and anxiety over my perceived inability to care properly for her

       • Anger and resentment towards my husband

       • Guilt, guilt, and more guilt

       • Dread

       • Rage

       • Heartfelt desire to live in a secluded cave with only me and my baby

Behavioral

       • Crying fits

       • Micro-managing everything

       • Not allowing anyone else to care for my baby

       • Not taking any breaks

       • Unable to relax

       • Raging at my husband, up to and including threatening divorce

       • Obsessive coping behaviors, such as counting to 500 while soothing my crying baby

       • Clinging inflexibly to routines

       • Insisting that things to do with the baby be done EXACTLY SO and freaking out when it wasn't

Please reach out for help if you think that you need it. And if you think you MIGHT need it, too.

Columbia University To Host "Mood Disorders Across the Female Life Cycle"

On Saturday, March 8, Columbia University will host "Mood Disorders Across the Female Life Cycle" led by Dr. Margaret Spinelli.  The event is being held in conjunction with Postpartum Support International, Postpartum Resource Center of New York, and the National Association for Psychosocial OB/GYNs.  It will be held at the Alumni Auditorium in the William Black Medical Research Building at Columbia University Medical Center.  CMEs are available for MDs, PhDs, CSWs, Nurse Practitioners and Nurses.  To register, click here.

Postpartum Depression By The Numbers

Quick, guess which number is higher:  the number of people who sprain their ankle each year or the number of women who experience a postpartum mood disorder?  Actually, it's about equal.  Surprised?

In so many books, articles and news programs, you hear the statistic -- approximately 10 to 15% of women suffer from postpartum mood disorders (PPMDs), including postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum anxiety/OCD and postpartum psychosis.  What bothers me about that statistic is that it holds no meaning for most people, and because of that I think these illnesses get much less funding and attention than so many of the other prevalent illnesses that strike Americans.  As a result, I decided to do a bit of quick, non-scientific research to help people understand the real impact that postpartum depression is having on the women of our country.

According to the National Center of Health Statistics, there were approximately 4.1 million live births in the United States in 2004.  This statistic does not include fetal losses, including miscarriages and stillbirths.  The National Vital Statistics report indicates that the total number of clinically recognized pregnancies is around 6.4 million.  This is important to know, because all postpartum women are susceptible to PPMDs, regardless of the pregnancy's outcome.

So let's split the difference between the high and low estimates of PPMDs and say that 12.5% of all postpartum women in the US suffer.  This would mean that each year approximately 800,000 women are suffering a serious postpartum mood disorder.  How does that compare with the incidence among women of other major diseases in America?

• Each year approximately the same number of women -- 800,000 -- will get diabetes. (Nat'l Diabetes Information Clearinghouse)
• Each year about 300,000 women suffer a stroke.  (Centers for Disease Control)
• Each year approximately 205,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer.  (National Cancer Institute)

In fact, more women will suffer from postpartum depression and related illnesses this year than the combined number of new cases for men and women of tuberculosis, leukemia, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's disease and epilepsy.  This is not to minimize these other terrible diseases, of course.  I simply want to illustrate just how prevalent postpartum mood disorders are.

Dr. Ruta Nonacs of Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School adds, "Postpartum depression is far more common than gestational diabetes.  All women receiving prenatal care are screened for diabetes, but how many pregnant and postpartum women are screened for depression?  PPD is also more common than preterm labor, low birth weight, pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure; in other words, PPD is the most common complication associated with pregnancy and childbirth."

Let me leave you with one last thought:  More women will suffer from a postpartum mood disorder than men will be diagnosed with new cases of impotence (617,715) this year.  Yet you wouldn't know it, considering the overabundance of erectile dysfunction (ED) ads and people falling all over themselves to discuss ED openly.  Why don't PPMDs get the same attention from pharmaceutical companies?  Why doesn't society work as hard to eliminate the stigma of postpartum mental illness?

This really is a big problem, and deserves much more attention that it's getting.

Note:  This article has been revised and updated from a piece I wrote for Postpartum Progress in 2004.  It is crossposted today on BlogHer.

 

Postpartum Progress Opens Up To Guest Authors

Would you like to be a guest author on Postpartum Progress in 2008?  I have decided to open the blog up to some additional voices this year, as Postpartum Progress continues to grow. 

I've thought about doing this in the past, but haven't done it because I've been nervous about offending people if I edit them or choose not to use their articles.  But I've decided to ty and get over that for the sake of diversity.

You can submit your stories/articles to me at stonecallis@msn.com anytime throughout the year.  Here is how I will make choices about what will and won't appear on the blog:

1) Stories should run no more than 700 words.  I try to keep all my blog posts fairly short and easy to digest.

2) The article must be 100% relevant to Postpartum Progress and its readers, meaning it should be focused on postpartum mood disorders (postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, postpartum OCD/anxiety, postpartum PTSD) or antepartum mood disorders.  As a reminder, Postpartum Progress is written to SUPPORT the women who have suffered or will suffer, and for their families and friends and those who treat them.

3) I will not run any article in which the writer is attempting to sell their product or service.  No shilling.  I will make an exception, however, for published authors of books focused on PPD and related-disorders if they would like to share an excerpt of their book of which they are particularly proud.

4) I will not run any article where I feel the story has already been done many times on Postpartum Progress, so it would help you to be very familiar with the site.  The subject should be a new and fresh take on the issues surrounding PPD and related disorders.

5) I welcome personal stories of people's experiences with PPD as long as they are fairly concise and well-written.  I also welcome brief summations from people who have been able to attend conferences or roundtables or other events that I have not been able to attend, as long as there is some interesting, newsy nugget of info that came out of the event.  And I welcome stories about newly published research as long as it comes from a highly-regarded source.

I hope this makes sense to everyone.  You will, of course, be credited as a guest author for your story, and should you have a blog or website I will be happy to link to it in your article.  I will try and respond back to each person who submits an article to either let you know that it will appear and when, or to let you know why I don't plan to use it.  If I don't reply back it may be because I get too overwhelmed.

Informative First Thursday Teleconferences Offered By MedEdPPD

I think I've written about this before -- at least I hope I have -- but Dr. Ruta Nonacs was kind enough to remind me of the First Thursday teleconferences held by MedEdPPD.  Here's a link to her post on A Deeper Shade of Blue about these informative sessions.  The next one is Thursday, February 7, and will feature Dr. Margaret Spinelli of Columbia University discussing postpartum psychosis and infanticide.

The Future Is Bright

I had the opportunity this weekend to retell the story of my experience with postpartum depression/OCD.  Even though it has been six years, it astounded me how the feelings rise up and bubble over -- it surprised me that I cried.  I guess it just goes to show what an intense and indelible experience PPD is for everyone who goes through it.  It also served to remind me how different I am today than I was during those dark hours. 

I am so unbelievably happy to be a mom.  It is truly the best job I've ever had or will have.  My children are my oxygen.  Is it easy every day?  Of course not.  When my 20-month old decides to remove her diaper and spread its contents around her crib, I pray for mercy.  When they throw tantrums in public, I want to tell onlookers that they don't belong to me.  But then my funny little six-year-old tells me "Mom, just five more gallons and I'll be as tall as you", and I feel like the luckiest, happiest person in the world.

For those of you reading this who are going through postpartum depression right now I hope you can find some hope in that.  I went from being someone who thought I never should have been a mother, to being someone who delights in motherhood.  You will too. 

Study Suggests New Moms' Mental & Physical Health Be Monitored Past 6 Weeks, But Who Will Do It?

A new study in the November/December 2007 issue of the Annals of Family Medicine takes a much-needed look at the postpartum health of working mothers.  The study looked at moms who return to the workplace 11 weeks after childbirth and found that they continue to need evaluation of their fatigue levels and mental and physical symptoms beyond the normal 6-week postpartum checkup.

"At 11 weeks postpartum these employed mothers continued to experience several childbirth-related symptoms, indicating a need for ongoing rest and recovery. Postpartum evaluations should include screening for anxiety and depression and evaluation of fatigue and other physical symptoms, including those related to job stress."

The study recommended that women showing continued symptoms should receive counsel on strategies to decrease job stress and increase social support at work and home, and that physicians should talk with them about the possible need for intermittent leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act to help them manage symptoms.

One of the most fascinating comments was this, from Pat McGovern, PhD, MPH at the School of Public Health at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, and her colleagues who wrote the study:

"The traditional medical perspective of the postpartum period refers to the time after childbirth that is required for the reproductive organs to return to their nonpregnant state, a process that takes approximately 6 weeks. Many physicians perceive this time as one requiring little assistance other than the recommended single postpartum visit ..."

All new mothers know this is true but I don't think I've ever seen it stated so plainly.  Our healthcare professionals are essentially focused on making sure our uteruses (or is it "uteri"?) are in working order ... but the rest of us?  Not so much. 

Dr. Laurie Barclay writes on Medscape.com:

"Because of the increased prevalence in the workplace of mothers with infants, greater understanding of factors that could improve postpartum health and facilitate return to work is greatly needed. Recovery from childbirth and successful return to work may be affected by personal factors such as preexisting health status, parity, breast-feeding, and social support from family and friends; as well as work-related factors including the timing of return to work, job stress, and support in the workplace."

Honestly, I think the results of this study apply equally to women who don't go back to work.  All new mothers suffer a compounding list of stresses that make it difficult to cope with daily responsibilities, and there is no specific group of healthcare professionals who has taken on the task of monitoring our whole health.   

Which group of clinicians will make sure women are properly evaluated and counseled?  The study specifically cites the need for screening new moms for anxiety and depression, but who will do it?  At the moment, no group of doctors taken on the job of providing that safety net.  I sometimes wonder whether they're all hoping someone else will step up to the plate so they can be relieved of the duty.  Sure, there are pockets of doctors and nurses in different places throughout the country who have recognized the importance of paying more attention to the health of new moms over a more extended period of time, but as a general rule many ignore it, and I wonder if some of the larger physicians' groups aren't actually against it.

The OB/GYNs are concerned with taking responsibility for the process of pregnancy and childbirth.  The pediatricians are primarily focused on the health of the baby.  Your primary care physician may not see you for months unless you come down with the flu, so they may never know if you're having problems.  They all say they don't have time, they don't have the proper training, they aren't reimbursed for it, they worry about the legal ramifications, etc.  And they're right on all those points.  Yet mental health screenings and treatment remain completely necessary if we care about having healthy mothers in this country. 

New moms are just not very likely to wander by the office of a mental health professional and drop in to say hello.  These people are specialists, for whom you generally need a referral.  We need a comprehensive nationwide process to get mothers mental healthcare if they need it, where the doctors responsible for screening and referral have buy-in and there is a clear line of sight.  Somebody is going to HAVE to take responsibility for this, so we need to work together to begin developing workable solutions.  Hopefully the MOTHERS Act will help to address this when it is passed, and it becomes federal law that all women are screened for postpartum depression and anxiety.  Notice I sad when, not if.

(crossposted at BlogHer.com)

5 Things Every New Mother Should Know About PPD

I was recently asked to put together a list of things women should know about postpartum depression.  I thought a lot about what I went through in 2001 with postpartum OCD, and the things I wish I had known that I believe would have lessened the severity of my experience.  While the list below certainly doesn't cover everything, I think it's a good start and I hope it will help many women in their journey as new mothers.

PPD can and often does happen.

Many pregnancy books and childbirth educators gloss over postpartum mood disorders.  They minimally describe the symptoms and emphasize how rare it is.  Actually, 10-15% of new moms experience these illnesses, and some studies report it may be as high as 25%.  My childbirth educator told our class that we really needn't spend too much time worrying about it, so I didn't, and thus I was completely unprepared for what hit me.

Postpartum depression is only one in a spectrum of postpartum illnesses.

Postpartum mood disorders include postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum obsessive compulsive disorder (PPOCD), postpartum psychosis (PPP) and postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder.  PPOCD is often characterized by intrusive thoughts, which are disturbing unwanted thoughts.  When I experienced my first intrusive thoughts -- about smothering my infant son with the burpcloth -- I had never heard of such things.  No one ever told me they were possible.  I was convinced I had just gone permanently crazy, and it never occurred to me that I had PPOCD.  If I had been better informed, I would have felt comfort in knowing what was wrong and that immediate treatment was available.  Instead I kept quiet for weeks because I was afraid I'd be locked up forever and lose my family.  (For more information on each illness and its symptoms, visit the Postpartum Support International website at http://www.postpartum.net/brief.html )

Symptoms can appear anytime during the first year after birth.

Many women think that if they start feeling bad when their child is 3 or 4 months old, or even older, that it can't be related to postpartum depression.  Apparently, even the DSM-IV, the manual that psychiatric professionals use to diagnose psychiatric illnesses, states that your illness can only be diagnosed as postpartum if the symptoms show up within the first four weeks after birth.  This isn't necessarily true.  Postpartum mood disorders can occur any time within the first year after the birth of your baby, though it is true that most are diagnosed within 2 to 4 months postpartum.

Ask your friends and family to be prepared.

It's important to talk about the possibility that you might experience some form of postpartum mood disorder with the people closest to you.  Ask them to educate themselves.  Sometimes we can't see that we're acting differently, or we try to convince ourselves we're fine and purposefully ignore our symptoms.  In that case, it often takes someone close to us to point out that we might need help.  Neither my husband nor my mother knew about what to look for or what to do about it, which made it harder on all of us.

The sooner you get treatment the better.

Many recent studies show that children of mothers with postpartum mood disorders who go untreated for long periods can be negatively impacted over the long term with behavioral problems.  A study published in 2006 in the Journal of the American Medical Association (http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/short/295/12/1389), for instance, found that children of mothers who have received treatment via medication for major depression or anxiety are less likely to be diagnosed with anxiety, disruptive and depressive disorders themselves, compared to children of women who remain untreated.  You MUST push past the fear and speak up to lessen the impact of these illnesses on yourself and your children.  You must be willing to say how you are feeling and seek treatment so that not only you, but your whole family can heal.

National Depression Screening Day To Be Held October 11

National Depression Screening Day is Thursday, October 11, 2007.  For more information on where screenings will be held, or on how to host a screening yourself if you are a qualified professional, click this link.

New Home for the Completely Updated Nationwide Support Group List

I have moved the U.S. PPD Support Group Listing to the Pages Section of this site, which you'll find to the left of your screen.  From now on, this is where this listing will be housed at Postpartum Progress.  It is completly updated and has many more listings now.  I encourage you to click here if you're looking for a group in your area that will offer you moral support as you go through this illness!

Also, please take an active part in this site by letting me know if any of the information on these lists changes.  If a group stops meeting, tell me.  If you call a phone number or send an email and it doesn't work, tell me.  If you start a new group, tell me.  It is CRUCIAL that the information be correct so that suffering women can get the help they need as quickly as possible without having to make a lot of phone calls.  Thanks everybody!!

Meetup.com Lists Postpartum Meetups

Meetup.com is a place where people can find groups created around common interests in their local areas.  There is a postpartum section that lists Postpartum meetups that are already happening, as well as people looking for a meetup in their area.  I've just listed my new Southside Atlanta support group on the Meetup website.  I'm placing a link here so that you can check it out if you're looking for groups in your area.

Guest Author: Theresa Borchard of Beliefnet

Therese Borchard, who writes the Beyond Blue blog at Beliefnet, shares her postpartum anxiety story with Postpartum Progress today:

   Although I can’t remember a time in my childhood or adolescence that I lived without depression and anxiety, I guess you could say that I officially joined the elite mentally ill club in 1989, my freshman year at Saint Mary’s College in Notre Dame, Indiana, when I went by the Counseling and Career Development Center to inquire about local support groups (I was just a few months sober). One of the therapists politely invited me back.

   A few months later she rattled off a handful of diagnoses: obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorder, anxiety disorder, and depression. She strongly suggested antidepressants, but I resisted. Like fellow twelve-steppers, I thought they would compromise my sobriety. And with my Catholic friends and mentors, I regarded them as a crutch and a short cut from the pain that was necessary for spiritual growth.

    “Life doesn’t have to be this hard,” my counselor told me, giving me a copy of Colette Dowling’s book, You Mean I Don’t Have to Feel This Way. A year and a half later, when I was experiencing suicidal thoughts, I finally cried uncle, clinging to the lifeboat (or prescription) God sent me. After a few trial and error experiments, my doctor and I stumbled on the combination of Prozac and Zoloft, which allowed me to concentrate enough to study, and relax enough to tell a dirty joke (one of my favorite things to do).

   Then I got married, in 1996, and made small people (David and Katherine are now 6 and 4). After the two births, my hormones huddled together to ask each other what the hell they were supposed to be doing now that no baby was in the womb or on the breast. My neurotransmitters (the good guys responsible for feelings of well-being) caught an express train to another brain (the one content with instant oatmeal). Brain cells began to shrink (and I suspect croak) in my prefrontal cortex. A tumor grew in my pituitary gland (also in the brain). And I had a bona fide, genuine mental breakdown. There was nothing mini about it.

   I lost twenty 23 pounds (I could wear an Ann Taylor size 2! That was the only perk.) because I had no appetite (this alone signaled a serious crisis, given my love of all things edible), I contracted one urinary tract infection after another because my immune system was breaking down, I breathed into a paper bag every morning during a panic attack, and I trembled and flailed like Linda Blair in the “Exorcist” because my anxiety was so acute.

   Oh yeah, and the endless sobbing: in the deli line at the grocery (“No, it’s not the chicken salad, I just got my period”), in the waiting room at my gynecologist-obstetrician’s office (“I’m sorry, pictures of babies make me cry”), on the hayride at David’s class trip to the pumpkin patch (“I’m allergic to hay”), at Eric’s company dinners (“Please give him a raise”), at Katherine’s physical therapy sessions (“Will she ever walk?”), during sex (“Are you almost done? I have to blow my nose”), in church (twice as hard if we sang “On Eagle’s Wings” or “Be Not Afraid”), and yada yada yada.

   It took two trips to the psych ward, seven different psychiatrists, one endocrinologist, 23 different medication combinations, and several MRIs over two years’  time to get me well again. In other words, I upgraded to the platinum club membership in Club D. Diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, I graduated beyond the casual, my-primary-care-physician-can-prescribe-me-my-meds to the critical, regular check-ins with a head doctor.

   Although I have cussed out God too many times to count, asking him what kind of marijuana he was smoking the day he designed my brain, I agree with Kay Redfield Jamison, author of An Unquiet Mind, that “tumultuousness, if coupled with discipline and a cool mind, is not such a bad sort of thing. That unless one wants to live a stunningly boring life, one ought to be on good terms with one's darker side and one's darker energies.”

Searching for Inspirational Items For Suffering Moms

Aside from the Postpartum Depression Links page I've newly started, which you can find on the left of your screen under "Pages", I'm also creating an Inspiration for Moms page that will feature quotes, songs, poems and anything else that might give moms comfort during their suffering.  LADIES, f you have a song, quote, poem, bible passage or any other little item that helped you get through this terrible experience, and would like to share it with other moms across the country and the world, let me know and I'll add it to the page.  Email me at stonecallis@msn.com.  Thanks!